Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
You Might Also Like
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Remember folks 😂
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.