doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!