Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.