At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
❤️🦆
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk