Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Breaking news:
giddy up Office Depot
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.