I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
This hospital has everything
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.