wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Got him!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.