The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you