richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
unless you鈥檙e dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you鈥檙e still too drunk from Thursday! 馃嵒
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Texting you back right away doesn鈥檛 make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*