3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
peep davidson
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.