The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*