Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
wut hotdog?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.