[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters