I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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Close call…
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.