me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart