You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”