I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My teenage children choosing violence
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”