I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
The old gods are rising again.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.