Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.