Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.