[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
CRYING
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Things will get butter, keep churning
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The legends speak of a third Duran…