Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
You Might Also Like
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Oh. My. God.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie