Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…