[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
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While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
That’s classic.