My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.