My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You Might Also Like
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Autocarrot sucks!
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
favorite tropes as memes
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.