Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.