If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
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Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…