My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
ugh not again
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
CRYING
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.