No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
WHO DID THIS?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks