Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
😎 🍻