It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Breaking news:
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.