Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The three genders
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?