I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.