Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
You Might Also Like
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.