If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Try and stop me.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?