My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
You Might Also Like
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Breaking news:
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”