AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
🙁