[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
fr
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.