Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
But wait…
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”