Those are good neighbors.
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Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: