I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
There is no “we” in pizza
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.