I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’m not wrong
“TGIM!” – My liver