I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
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“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
are they though??
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.