What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
You Might Also Like
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*me flirting
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Google Pay be like:
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better