If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
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Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.