Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.