ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
🌱🌱🌱
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Flowers bee like
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.