Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.