If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.